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(no subject)  
01:04am 19/08/2011
Things seem to be getting harder and harder these days... Every time I turn around there is another bill and no money to pay for it. I'm not sure how else to cut back, my parents offer to help but they're barely getting by as it is. My chest always seems to be out of breath lately, it's hard to breath when I know sharks are waiting for me to get off work.

I did kind of get a promotion at work, too bad I won't be making any more money with it but it is Monday through Friday 7am to 3pm which means I can go back to school. I enrolled for night classes but they're costing me $700 and books cost more than the classes. Thats more than I make in a month. You'd think school would be cheaper if they want an educated society to run the future. What do I know though.

I wish I could mow someone lawn and make some extra buck but the drought has everyone's lawns looking like dust storms... It's been pretty hot out, I'm ready for winter.

I talked to my dad about Christmas this year, I told him we really shouldn't do anything this year because money is so tight. Since it's only my mom, dad and I we should all get together and get something we need... Like new carpet for the house or something. We've been living in this 40+ year house for over 20 years now and it's never had new carpet. I know we all do the best we can but we can't even run the vacuum without pulling up frayed bits now days.

Somedays I don't think I'm going to make it through, I know millions of people have it worse than me but still it hurts inside. It probably doesn't help I have no one to talk to about it. I think things are only going to get worse before they get better...
mood: stressedstressed
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Most Memorable Kiss?  
01:34am 01/07/2011
I was watching 1Girl 5Gays and one of the questions was "What's your most memorable kiss?"  I love the show b/c they always make me think about different things I've done in the past and what I should expect from the future but this question made me think back more than normal.
I couldn't decide whether it was with
~Amanda when we were making out as we laid in the middle of the tennis court while it rained, the rain was so light and perfect and warm it just made the moment so much more. *which is my favorite memory with her- damn girl of course she just had to move away to a better gay life.
or if it was with
~Montana because I loved the way he kissed and it was at this stupid ice house on the lake and we were outside by his truck and he told me we were supposed to be together because he liked how I kissed.  I'm sure he was just drunk and horny but I don't know, obviously something felt right, I fell for him and I still think back to him.
I'm waiting for another perfect kiss to be able to fall again...
What's your most memorable kiss? any crazy back room stories out there?
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It's been forever...  
01:30am 29/06/2011
And nothing has really changed. I enjoy being single, some days are better than others but I'm enjoying life at the moment. Work sucks which is why I'm looking for a new job and going back to school for accounting. I know it sounds lame but I'm kind of excited about it!
4th of July is coming up this Monday, I'm joining Selina and Matt in College Station for some (hopefully) drunken fun. It's been a while since I've been in cstat and since all of Selina's family was there we couldn't go out too much.
Well, I'll update later.. I'll try to update more often.
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(no subject)  
01:57am 25/10/2010
Sometimes I just want someone to cuddle with, someone to go to bed with, someone's skin next to mine...
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(no subject)  
10:31pm 08/10/2010
OMG It feels like I've gone years without sex... I need to find a fuck buddy! I'm dying... every time I turn around I'm horny... blah!  I need to just go to the toy store and find some more dildos and what-nots.

Today was my first day of water aerobics... it was fun... it was more work than I thought it would have been.  Can't wait to go back... love being in the water again!
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(no subject)  
04:22pm 02/10/2010
I'm not one of those who usually enjoys chick flicks because they seem so fake to me but at the same time they're my favorite type of movie just because it's nice to have such an imagination... Every single movie where they're only together to fool people and end up falling in love, make me wish I could find something like that... makes me wonder why I never want to get married... why I choose to be single and push away those people who get too close to me. 

I think I'm supposed to stay in the country, it's been a huge struggle going on inside my head on whether I'm supposed to be living in the city and standing behind gay rights or whether I should just live in a place where if your cell phone dies, no one panics nor do they care.  I love the smell of the outdoors and I want a dog... a bloodhound, I can't have her without having a large yard.  I think I'm getting closer and closer to running and finding out where I'm supposed to be running to is going to help me quite a bit.  I'm ready to do something with my life... something big... and I have to get out of this town, away from my family who loves me too much.  Somewhere to call home, somewhere I know will make a difference, maybe someone to come home to (that's still up in the air).
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(no subject)  
09:16pm 01/10/2010
I think if I had to choose a perfect, gorgeous guy... to me anyways... it'd be someone who's like Heath Ledger in 10 Things I Hate About You or John Corbett in My Big Fat Greek Wedding.  Man every time I watch those movies I wish I was the character they're falling in love with.
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(no subject)  
08:54pm 26/09/2010
Went to Dallas this weekend for Kelli's wedding, it was kind of odd... the first time I've ever been in a church and the wedding was performed by a female and there was no alcohol allowed, which was strange for an aggie wedding.

Curtis and I went and it was kind of strange b/c we didn't have sex, we didn't even really try to... I don't know what was up.

On the way there I got a flat in Byran when I was picking up Curtis, it made us way later than I wanted to be and $216 dollars broker... god damn pot holes!  Curtis only made fun of me, it only made me feel worse.

We stopped at his parents' house on the way back home, I got to meet his sister who was house sitting while his parents were in Hawaii, his dog was there too and was ever so happy to see her daddy. 

I also got a ticket while driving home... going 82 in a 70, it was stupid but I'll have to pay for it because I took defensive driving for my accident back in November.  Grrr... more money just doing down the drain!  Shit happens... I'm already paying about $500 a month on insurance what's another couple hundred, I hate being poor... need to get a second job just to pay for the car to drive me there.

I really want to play a board game... I haven't played anything in a long long while...

So Amanda was here this past week, I do believe she's gone now and not once did she come see me or even try to see me... kind of hurt for a second since I just opened up to her and said I'd actually want her to be there for the long road... I think I'm over it... I mean I've always felt that way but was too proud to let her know... and since I finally have, it's probably too late...  I don't feel like I'm missing too much without her here  though, I thought it would have felt differently but it's not as painful as I figured...   and too be honest I don't feel much at all and I expected I would.  What a cliche saying:"she's dead to me" he he.

I'd still like to become a stripper, I need to start working out again but I think that's what I'm going to start taking classes for after Christmas.

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(no subject)  
09:55am 20/09/2010
I feel like a fish out of water...

I have to go to class and then work... test wednesday, not excited!  Ready to quit and I haven't done anything yet... 
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the older I get the more ready to run...  
02:17am 20/09/2010
Do you ever just feel like crying... for no real reason at all, other than you don't know where you are.  Even though you're sitting in your own house home with the people who will love you unconditionally forever... and you still feel as though you don't  belong.  Why rock the boat, things are great... why do I feel so shitty?

Samantha had baby Mackayla this past Friday, I haven't seen her yet... I've been working. 

I went to the doctor Friday as well.  I talked to him about doing x while being on birth control and how it might affect my body with hormones that mimic my own... he says it shouldn't bother me but I don't think I'd ever want to die (not of something so ridiculous) so I'm unsure what to do still.  We also talked about how I need to be tested more often, I don't feel bad but still he thinks if I'm having sex with so many different people I need to reassure myself more often. Some days I just want to get crazy and do incredible stupid things but then I remember I'm growing up I have to think of the consequences now.  Dr. Robert told me to watch Eyes Wide Shut, it's about a man who has everything and wants more and sometimes it's just better to not know what else is there.

I know that when I write on here, I'm completely different than what I appear to be in person... people who know me don't really know me at all I guess... they only see the outside the girl who shows no compassion... the girl who only lives life to the fullest and doesn't care about anyone but herself...

I love being so strong, the one person who is never as weak as they are.... and when I read this pathetic shit I write... I feel as though the person writing this is weaker than any...

Kelli's wedding is this weekend... I'm going I almost feel as though I shouldn't go... I also have no clue what to get here... AHHH!  I'd probably be more excited to go if I had a bit more cash flow... working my ass off for it though!

*on a positive note* I can't wait til my birthday... I'm getting another tattoo and I'm so excited!

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